WrestleMania 34 Review

WrestleMania 34 has come and gone. Did the “grandest stage of them all” live up to the hype? Did WrestleMania outdo NXT Takeover? Did the show look better on paper?

No. No. And hell yeah it looked a LOT better on paper.

Let’s break down this five plus hour mega extravaganza starting with the pre-show matches.

1) Matt Hardy won the ARMBAR. Nothing special here besides Bray Wyatt reappearing to side with Matt Hardy and help him win. Hopefully Wyatt learned a valuable lesson from Randy Orton and repeats this to Matt… As long as he makes sure Matt’s family and Senor Benjamin aren’t in the Hardy Compound when he burns it down, of course.

2) Cedric Alexander def. Mustafa Ali to win the WWE Cruiserweight Championship. An ok match though nothing as good as their previous encounters. I didn’t like how Cedric and Ali kept reminding us, and one another, they were the heart and soul. Tell us this by wrestling and not by using your words. Now 205 Live has its champion again, let’s see how where the show goes from here.

3) Naomi won the Women’s ARMBAR. Worse than the men’s battle royal. This was never going to be good, especially when someone untalented as Naomi wins it. The minor highlight of the match was Bayley finally getting back at Sasha Banks by tricking and eliminating her.

And now, onto the main show.

4) Seth Rollins def. The Miz and Finn Balor to capture the WWE Intercontinental Championship. Great match. I knew the three would put on a hell of a show. The only complaint was this didn’t close the show. They fooled everyone into thinking we were in line for a great WrestleMania, but it would quickly go downhill from here. I was a bit disappointed Miz didn’t retain, but he’ll get another opportunity down the road to capture the title again and break the record. Let’s see if Seth will do as good of a job with the title as Miz has.

Speaking of Seth, could someone explain why he came out dressed up as a White Walker from Game of Thrones? It’s hard to “burn things down” when you’re made from ice.

Freeze burn it down?

5) Charlotte def. Asuka to retain the SmackDown Women’s Championship. Yes, that’s right. Charlotte broke Asuka’s undefeated streak. The match itself was good but the ending was disappointing for two reasons. Firstly, Charlotte didn’t need the win at all. She’s well established enough to lose against someone as worthy as Asuka without it hurting her reputation. The person who should’ve broken the streak should’ve been WWE’s next breakout female superstar.

The second reason I was disappointed was how Charlotte won. Throughout the whole match Asuka was working on Charlotte’s arm to set her up for the Asuka Lock. Out of nowhere, Charlotte slaps on the Figure Eight though struggles with it due to the injured arm (a Figure Six?). Asuka, who had no damage done to her leg what-so-ever, taps out. It was dumb to see Asuka not only lose but tap out that quickly. The fact Carmella didn’t cash in was a huge letdown as well.

6) Jinder Mahal def. Rusev, Bobby Roode and Randy Orton to capture the WWE U.S. Championship. Jinder, one of the most disliked wrestlers on the roster, gets his five hundredth Singh-distraction victory when he pins Rusev, the most popular wrestler on the roster. Let that sink in, and now let’s move on.

7) Ronda Rousey & Kurt Angle def. Stephanie McMahon & Triple H. This wasn’t a wrestling classic, but it was a lot better than what I expected. Hats off to Ronda who proved she can transition to a WWE ring well. She looked very confident in the ring, a LOT more confident than her being forced to talk on the microphone. She needs a mouthpiece (Paul Heyman) to guide her through her WWE career until she’s confident enough to talk on her own.

Stephanie, Triple H and Kurt Angle played their roles very well and helped to elevate Ronda in her debut. It was good to see everyone attack one another regardless of who they were. Ronda’s off to the good start, so let’s see how her is going to go without the bosses carrying her around. The next month or so will really show us if Ronda is suited for the wrestling industry. And right now, she’s a LOT better than Shayna Baszler already.

Take note Shayna, THAT’S how you be a professional wrestler.

8) The Bludgeon Brothers def. The Usos and The New Day to capture the SmackDown Tag Team Titles. The first ever WrestleMania for the Usos and their match goes for… five minutes. Nothing special here just a cooling off match for the crowd. Bludgeon Brothers winning was obviously going to happen.

9) The Undertaker SQUASHED John Cena. Firstly, I HATED seeing the camera constantly cut to John Cena in the crowd. We get it. He’s in the crowd as a fan. You don’t have to keep going back to him in the middle of the matches to remind us.

At first Elias came out which led to Cena squashing him. This led to Undertaker coming out and squashing Cena in return (#sploosh). It was short, sweet, perfect, and is exactly what should’ve happened. Go home and rest, Undertaker. You deserve it.

10) Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon def. Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens. Bryan comes out to a huge pop, then the crowd immediately dies when Zayn & Owens instantly take him out for 75% of the match. Shane gets in his one big spot then tags out to Bryan who comes in, kicks out of finisher, and defeats Zayn & Owens. An “eh” match to wrap up what was the hottest storyline in WWE recently. Let’s hope Zayn & Owens own Raw when they head over there.

11) Nia Jax def. Alexa Bliss to capture the Raw Women’s Championship. Another “eh” match but this was more about the storyline. What did we learn from this match, kids? Don’t worry about the mean things bullies say about you – one day you’ll kick their ass and shut them up for good.

12) AJ Styles def. Shinsuke Nakamura to retain the WWE Championship. With Asuka losing and a string of “eh” matches, this was the one match everyone was hoping would save WrestleMania. We must’ve angered the wrestling Gods, because the “dream match everyone wanted to see” failed to live up to the hype. Everyone was expecting an amazing match between the two, but what we got was something too slow and too short.

The most important thing to take away from this is the fact SHINSUKE NAKAMURA TURNED HEEL!!! This is great because in New Japan Pro Wrestling (NJPW), Nakamura primarily was the main heel. The second Nakamura turned heel you could see him immediately revert to his stiff, NJPW style.

We all put too much faith into this match. We all assumed it would be a one-off, 5-star fantastic wrestling match. Don’t be too upset. Try to treat this match as the set up to a Heel Nakamura and Face AJ Styles feud which will produce many excellent matches… Then again this is WWE and the night wasn’t over yet…

We’ll get that “dream match” one day people… One day… Maybe…

13) Braun Strowman & Nicholas def. The Bar to capture the Raw Tag Team Championships. Who was Braun’s partner? A 10-year-old kid named Nicholas he plucked out from the crowd. I sh*t you not. Braun then captures the Raw Tag Team Championships with Nicholas. Again, I sh*t you not. Obviously, Braun will be picking random strangers from the crowd each week to use as a partner while he beats the crap out of his opponents… But if this isn’t a gigantic “F#$% You” to the Raw Tag Team Division and to wrestling fans in general, I don’t know what is.

14) Brock Lesnar def. Roman Reigns to retain the WWE Universal Championship. This was possibly one of the worst WrestleMania main events I have ever seen. Yes, it’s up there with Bam Bam Bigelow vs Lawrence Taylor at WrestleMania 11 and Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna at WrestleMania 9. When the crowd is chanting “Boring”, “We Want Nicholas”, and “This Is Awful”, you know you dun goofed. Seriously, I have NEVER heard a “This Is Awful” chant in my life! And they’ve been plenty of bad matches preceding this one!

Brock beat Roman bloody and it took him about 5 F5’s to put him away! After the second kick out, it became unbelievable. The crowd got bored. I got bored. My friends got bored. Brock looked like he was bored. Roman was the only one interested in the match. I saw people commenting about how long the show was so naturally everyone was burnt out. When I looked at my phone, I realised WrestleMania went for about 5 hours. WrestleMania 33 went for over 5 hours WITHOUT the preshow! This year’s WrestleMania 34 went for 5 hours WITH the preshow!

People hated this match and the outcome because we continue to have an inactive champion who is never around to defend his title – which was the point Roman repeated over and over. We’re fed up of not seeing a main title not being on TV or being defended on pay-per-views. Good to see WWE are listening to their fans.

In all, WrestleMania 34 was a massive disappointment. It was a stacked card full of rushed matches. I was so excited for this WrestleMania to blow me away but instead it just blowed. I even made a joke a week prior about how funny it would be if WrestleMania sucked despite it looking great on paper. I’m not laughing now and regret ever making that joke.

Had it not been for the Intercontinental Match at the start of the show, this would’ve been up there with one of the worst WrestleManias of all time. I’d like to hear your thoughts on the show so leave your comments below.

See you all for the next edition of WRR!